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Parenting together apart

4th January 2010

When families separate, the children are often the unintended victims. Many parents, immersed in their own pain and anxiety, find it hard to cope with the need to minimise the negative impact a divorce can have on children, or simply don’t know how to go about it.

With nearly a quarter of a million children experiencing the separation of their parents each year, it is vital that couples equip themselves with the knowledge and skills that will enable them to help their children get through the process unscathed.

Talking about the divorce

This is often the first big hurdle. Ideally, both parents should be present when the children are told about the separation. Even if that is not achievable they should hear similar messages from both parents, neither of whom should seek to blame the other. They certainly should not be made or expected to take sides. It is important that children understand that what has happened is not their fault. Above all, children need to be reassured that Mum and Dad still love them, even if their feelings for each other have changed, and that the children can carry on loving both parents.

Helping the children to adjust

One of the most constructive things a parent can do at this time is to listen to their children and support their feelings. Parents need to be prepared to make decisions together as far as that is possible, and avoid conflict, a key cause of unhappiness and future problems for children.

Parenting in the future

Whether you are in the process of separating now or have been divorced for many years, it is still worthwhile bearing in mind the following tips for managing your relationship with your former partner for the sake of your children:

• Be supportive of your children’s need for both parents to be involved in their lives;

• However bitter or angry you may feel towards your ex-partner, talk to them respectfully in front of your children;

• Avoid discussing issues at handovers and having arguments in front of the children;

• Arrange a time to talk about problems or issues in advance and try not to get involved in conversations that could lead to conflict;

• Follow up conversations in writing to minimise misunderstandings;

• In practical terms, share information between the two new households. Don’t leave this to the children as this could create logistical difficulties and undermine the

value of the other parent’s involvement in the eyes of the children.

Professional help

None of this is easy and it is often particularly hard without help. Friends and family are invaluable at such a time, but the right professional help can also make a huge difference.

Many parents seek counselling to try and come to terms with their feelings of confusion, grief and betrayal. Couples counselling can also be highly beneficial in helping separated parents forge a new relationship, contain and resolve their disputes, and equip them to cope with the challenges of parenting apart. It is highly likely that at some point, a parent going through a divorce or separation will seek legal advice. Your choice of solicitor could shape not only the outcome of the divorce, but also your relationship with your former partner and your children. You should always look for a solicitor who belongs to the family lawyers group Resolution, which has a Code of Practice encouraging the prioritisation of children’s interests. The family law team at Mowbray Woodwards are all members of Resolution (www.resolution.org.uk).

A good family lawyer should explain the various options available to you for helping to resolve issues in the most constructive and effective way. Sometimes, with a bit of guidance, parents can do this for themselves. At the other end of the spectrum is achieving a solution through the courts. This is notoriously expensive and uncertain, but there are some cases when that really is the only way to ensure progress. In the middle are options more conciliatory and cooperative in nature.

Mediation is becoming better known as an alternative to litigation for resolving a range of disputes. It is a positive process focusing on reaching a solution that both parties have worked towards and agreed to. A key factor in these recessionary days is that mediation is often a lot cheaper, and indeed faster, than many other options. Your solicitor can refer you to a mediator, and will usually continue to be involved to offer legal advice and to draft up any necessary legal documentation.

The Collaborative approach

This is a fairly new way of dealing with family disputes in which couples commit not to go to court and instead meet together, each with their collaborative lawyer, to work things out face to face. The real benefits of this system are that the parties have control over making joint decisions for the benefit of their children in a private, supportive environment. The process encourages mutual respect and the promotion of a healthy co-parenting relationship and children are, as far as possible, protected from ill feeling and disruption. Furthermore, this team approach makes it easier to bring in extra help for parents from “family consultants” – specially trained professional counsellors who can provide emotional support and assist in arranging an effective co-parenting plan.

At Mowbray Woodwards, we have two trained and practising collaborative lawyers and maintain good links with fellow collaborative professionals. Other collaborative practitioners in the area can be found at www.collaborativefamilylawyers.co.uk.

Of course, this article focuses on the needs of children, but the processes outlined above are also invaluable in dealing with financial disputes and indeed any other issues arising from divorce and separation.

For further information or advice relating to the issues dealt with above, please call Meg Moss, family law solicitor at Mowbray Woodwards on 01225 485700 or email mlm@mowbraywoodwards.co.uk.

For further information on any of our news stories,
please contact Katie Vander Woerd.